Best men and maids of honor

Role and qualifications

Checklist items 8 and 9 concern the best men and the maids of honor.

The position of best man/maid of honor has long been interpreted in a rather incorrect manner: we have always heard that the newlyweds should choose their best men and maids of honor among those they care most for. So, the bride will choose hers, and the groom will do the same. In reality, the best men and the maids of honor do not “belong” to the bride or the groom, but to the wedding. I believe many of you heard people say things like “the bride has picked her two cousins as maids of honor”, or “the groom will pick his two closest college classmates as his best men”, but this is a false interpretation of the exact role that these people should have.

In their capacity as best man and maid of honor, these people should be viewed as a choice for the rite itself, not for the bride or the groom, even though people in reality behave as described above and choose based on their personal relationships. And this, after all, is fine.

Unfortunately, these choices have often been obligated or even forced, as the position of best man is in any case a prestigious one and, the more upscale the wedding, the more desirable will be to hold that role.

I’d like to suggest that the newlyweds make their own choices, without interferences by their parents (that often have to return a favor or strengthen a particular relationship). The choice of best men and maids of honor should be as free and sensible as possible.

So, what kind of qualifications should these people have in order to be (freely) chosen by the newlyweds?

Essentially, just one: a special relationship.

Who would possibly want as best man of maid of honor a person with whom they don’t have any type of relationship? I guess nobody. Even more so if you think that these people’s function should not be limited to the wedding (or shortly prior to that) but they should be there for the newlyweds throughout their marriage’s life.

A respectable best man/maid of honor, for example, always remembers the anniversary of the wedding and sends his/her best wishes to the couple. The best ones even send flowers or other demonstrations of love and closeness.  

For example, one of my parents’ best men has sent them each year, throughout his entire life, a wonderful bottle of Dom Perignon Oenotheque and some gorgeous flowers on the very day of their wedding anniversary. The card, every year a different one but always handwritten, would include a sentence that reflected his special connection with them and his gratitude for being chosen for the role. This is something that I’ve always thought about: such a rare gesture, especially nowadays.

So, the choice should fall on people with whom a strong and special connection exists. Most of all, a long-lasting connection. That’s why people often choose within their families: brothers and sisters are the most valuable candidates.

Sometimes other people can be deemed close enough to be eligible for the role even though they’re not family, and that happens not only because the newlyweds don’t have siblings. A strong and long-lasting friendship may as well stand on the same level as a blood relative.

Once the best men and the maids of honor have been picked, the newlyweds should communicate it to them, so that they could be put in a position to accept or not accept. This should not be an order, but a request! And it might very well happen that someone (rarely) doesn’t feel like accepting. For this reason, a range of candidates should be put together, so that you won’t be floored by any possible denial.

To communicate their choices, the newlyweds should invite the candidates over for dinner or organize some other type of solemn occasion: digital systems like mail, text or whatsapp are banned. 

It is customary to choose four people (two best men and two maids of honor), even though you can go up to eight. A higher number usually conveys an idea of the scale of the wedding.

In Italy we don’t usually choose adult bridesmaids, so the maids of honor usually play the role of the bridesmaids as well. Therefore, the bride will trust her maids of honor’s opinion and will take them with her to choose the wedding dress, as well as go to the hair stylist and the makeup artist for trials. The maid of honor plays a very important role then, as the bride-to-be trusts her so much that some of the wedding’s key decisions are shared with her. Should the bride-to-be not have a mother or a sister, for example, the maid of honor will play a key role and is expected to be a good and responsible advisor.

Same thing for the groom-to-be: one of his best men (or all of them) will accompany him to the tailor to choose and try on the suit, and so on. Last but not least, the best man will keep the wedding rings until the moment the groom will ask him for them during the ceremony.

A respectable wedding, lastly, should have all the best men suits made by the same tailor, so that a sort of distinctive group could be spotted within the crowd of the guests at first glance. Also, it is expected that they all write a speech to give during the wedding lunch (or dinner).

Having said all this, I hereby invite the newlyweds to weigh their choices extremely carefully!

Until next Sunday.